In Response to The Amazing Atheist's video - Religion: Does anyone really believe it?

Watch the video first to hear the question. It's in the title but I like T.J. so go watch his video and check out his channel and subscribe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arJE7QoOdQ0


Good question. Here is my answer, sorry if it's long-winded but it is good to write this all out once in a while. 

     I am an atheist but I struggle with this stuff almost everyday at least once a day if nothing else because it is good exercise to question even the firmest positions. To be clear to anyone who doesn't know me, or someone who might know me but has never seen this side of me, and to make it clear to atheists and theists alike what and who I am- I would describe myself as agnostic atheist- I don't know if there is a god- and all the claims there are of god don't meet their burden of proof so I don't believe.  It doesn't make me smarter or wiser or a science expert because while I may have grown in those areas in the last 20 years or so, atheism isn't some epiphany moment(like, A-HA! EUREKA! THERE IS NO GOD!) From my experience, it is the exact opposite of a religious revelation. It is what is left after all the bullshit falls away and while I can and will say with a strong degree of certainty "there is no god(at least the one I was raised to believe) and it's okay"I don't speak for all atheists and it's really just my own assertion to myself. It can't be proven but proof is not necessary because the burden of proof lies on the one making the claim. I am open to the possibility that a god exists but belief is reserved until better evidence is presented. That makes me an atheist. And even if it can be proved I don't know if a god deserves or requires worship. 

     To answer T.J., the Amazing Atheist's question, it's hard to say if I really believed or if I only pretended to believe because this process has taken so long- there's no exact moment when I know I believed and there's no exact moment when I for sure stopped believing.  When I was growing up, the early years up until high school I was raised in the doctrines of the United Methodist Church. I didn't have a traumatic, negative experience in Sunday School and church, that other denominations might. 

When I was younger, I believed what I was taught and participated happily. I was in choir, Boy Scouts, MYF(Youth fellowship- really just fun and games with a little Bible study which was always the part kids moaned and groaned about but I usually did it without much fuss because "I didn't want to make Jesus mad" He was my Friend, too, and I did believe that he was real even though I couldn't see him, I had lots of imaginary friends(and enemies) as well as real ones. 

I believed that the bible was real- I just never questioned it.  It was easier just to go with the flow even if you don't want to be there.)  There were always questions I had about how we worship or honor a god that's invisible or how we know he's really there.  I could imagine what he looked like and what he wanted. I never understood why we had to dress up and go to a building if God was everywhere and knew what we looked like naked.

I did not get a lot of negativity from the elders outside of usual teacher-y stuff like be quiet when adults are talking and let older people have your seat. I was generally quiet and well-behaved - which was more about how my parents raised me than what the Bible said. People I knew in church were for the most part friendly, kind and trustworthy(at least the ones that I knew well)- my friends all went to the same church and their parents usually went too so we all knew each other and liked each other. There was little talk of eternal torture or anything like that. To me it was like a big extended family gathering where you include everyone that wants to be there and treat them as you wanted to be treated. There are always one or two assholes though as in any group.

As I got older i found that I really have completely changed my views while a lot of the old church-goers(including my brother) are still the same and disagree on a lot of subjects and tend to be very Right wing and pround to me Merican- especially after 9/11. Thankfully I lived in California for 5 years. I learned that it was okay to be gay(I'm not) or bi or liberal or to disagree with the president and speak out against injustice. Now I see how wrong and backward they can be. And often ask that same question. Do they all really believe all that shit? I mean all the same people at the same church are businessmen, teachers, doctors, lawyers, engineers, it baffles me how they can go to work and be one thing and I doubt most even mentioned church or practice any of the core values(the good ones at least like love thy neighbor) unless it's to say oh our Church picnic is Saturday I can't work or something, and then every Sunday pray and give money to a silly superstition. It makes me wonder even though as I a kid, I'd say, yes, I did believe. But I was a kid I didn't really know anything about the world about other religions or that there were people called Atheists. As a young adult I thought maybe there was a god that was guiding me but the church and all it's bigotry and stuffy rigid thinking was wrong. I was a non-practicing theist for a while and dabbled in all kinds of spiritual woo as James Randi called it. I could list them all but they'd take too long to explain. I like a lot of eastern philosophy which is more about self-discipline than sucking the dick of some old magic man.   

Most of my life I always tried to do the right thing- even now I generally care about the well-being of others though sometimes I grow apathetic and even hurt people with my own negligence or lose control of temper now and then. I've never done any serious violent crime or anything like that. When I was younger I always had trouble with assholes and bullies all through school and sometimes at the church but it was rarely if ever from the religious angle. I think people are cruel when they know they can get away with it and there are alot of kind people too both in and out of religion but most people in general don't take enough time to examine if what they believe is true or how it affects the mind of a child. For me it just made sense to behave and relax but it was also fun to shake things up once in a while. 

I think part of the reason I loved church was that's where my friends were. I remember in my high school years, my friends and I would use Nursery(free day care for the little kids that couldn't sit still in church). and we'd have fun with the kids and put on plays and my best friend and I were acolytes at Christmas Eve services. It was a blast. Ironically, about five years ago my friend and I caught up over drinks and hadn't seen each other in years. We both brought up religion becuase that's how we me but found that we both had reached the conclusion that religion is bullshit and that it was weird to see our parents and elders still stuck in it. 

Looking back at my early years, it wasn't that hard to believe that there was this Friend out there called Jesus that just wanted to love me (as long as I was a good boy). I always tried to follow the commandments - I almost never fought back when bullies came spitting and kicking me at the bus stop. I almost never told a lie but I wasn't a tattletale either because when I did tell, that only made it worse. I hardly ever started trouble or stole anything or did anything illegal. I may have drawn on a few walls or tables but mostly out of boredom not to be a gang member or something. 

As a kid, I was always pretending, drawing and imagining that I was a good guy with super powers so the idea that there was this guy who told the weak that they'd be strong and to help others without thought of reward(reinforced by Boy Scouts and no, I was not molested or harrassed by Scoutmasters. Had some trouble with other kids but that is a separate issue). People always seemed surprised that I was so nice, so meek, so kind, polite, and patient(not bragging it's just who I was and still am in some ways). Well, I guess I paid too much attention to that part of the Sermon on the Mount which said the meek shall inherit the earth and the poor shall be rich and the weak shall be strong and the good will be rewarded and the bad shall be punished(i'll get to that) I really believed that God was merciful and a force of good. And some of those sentiments I still like and will fight for on occasion. I know not everyone follows that and in some cases, being bold, loud, deceptive, proud and in extreme situations violence is necessary to survuve in modern life.

For a long time after when I was out in the world as a young adult I felt that I was being guided and guarded by angels.  That God had a plan for me. That as long as I stayed true to his wishes I'd be okay. I never tried to push my religion on others unless they challenged mine. All I tried to do was mind my own business and try to do as much good as I could or just have fun with my friends and figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  But as you get older you get shifting ideas about morality- sooner or later you find that lying, stealing and even hurting someone either verbally or physically is a way to manipulate and get what you want. I'm not saying that without god a person cannot be moral. Because I still believe a lot of those things that murder, rape(which isn't forbidden in the Bible), theft, and hurting people for stupid reasons is wrong and punishable at least by law as determined by society. 


It wasn't till later that I really went back and read that after all the peace on earth, goodwill to men, there was this threat that if you didn't believe you went to hell, that if you did horrible things you were destined to be tortured horribly forever if but you could be forgiven if you drink grape juice and eat some bit of bread. That is what disgusts me the most about religion. And even though I'm glad that no one put me through that as a child (except people from more Fundie-type churches). I almost wish my church had at least brought it up more because hiding the nasty parts don't make them go away. It's like they told me to just agree to everything without reading the fine print. I didn't know about Crusades, Inquisition or other known religious atrocities but that wasn't really mentioned either until I did a report on the Crusades in high school. And then it was kind of cool because I liked knights and thought they were doing the the right thing not realizing it was wrong and so devastating. 

So, I hope you're still with me. This was supposed to be a little comment on a video but it is more like a chapter in a book. I keep saying "more like" a lot. Ever get into word patterns like that. there was a time I would sat "Actually" over and over. I just like the way it sounds and it kind of readjusts your point instead of saying um and er. 

To get back to the answer, there was a time that I actually believed mainly because I didn't think I could stop believing and no one forced me to question it until a roommate in college pointed out that my parents made me go because that's what they thought was best but religion is stupid and not supported but evidence(I'm kind of filling in with my own arguments because it was like 16 years ago and memory isn't that good anymore). When my roommate did it, he was so obnoxious and I hated him for it because he and my other roommates loved to shake things up and say things just because they knew people would get offended. Now, I'm more like them than I was back then but I try to be respectful until someone really doesn't get it - then I unleash the Dylan(that was my roommate's name. not to call him out or make him a villain but he was outspoken then and probably the same now) and I now consider him to be a mentor of sorts. He's like the vampire that made me what I am today and I can't change back. 

Back in those college days (1997-2000)days, I had god-believing friends who delved into other spiritual beliefs such as psychic abilities, wishing on trees/stars/pennies, tarot cards and ghosts and other supernatural things. For along time I believed in that, too, some experiences which I know now are mostly confirmation bias, wishful thinking and a refusal to look things carefully and search for actual evidence to support claims. I was in love with a girl who was all into those things and it fascinated me so much that I couldn't help getting swept up in it. I was an art student not a scientist and didn't really care if my beliefs were true as long as they felt good. I don't regret that time because I think it is part of my breaking away process.  My beliefs went from a small god in my church to a god that accepts all kinds of people and practices.  I am still friends with most of my college friends but they are mostly still clinging to religion while I have rejected. And I think most of those "spiritual" things are silly but I still like playing around with them- tarot cards are fun even if they don't have any real magic behind them- it's all just a way to figure out who you are or at least escape from reality.  

I always had questions though and saw inconsistencies in the Bible versus reality. It is inevitable, the more you learn about science and what words and complex terms mean, how to analyse a book, to use language and reason to make sense of the world. I hated school but I always loved learning at least english, art, and some science. I hated math and had more negative experiences with math teachers than I did with Sunday School teachers.  Which is a shame because if the reverse has been true I might have been like the next Carl Sagan or something.  but I'm learning to appreciated science and did really well in Algebra for my AA- but I am wandering off the point.   

As I got older I wondered why the Bible would talk about all these miracles but you never see them. Everything that happens has perfectly rational explanations or they are just make believe. I always loved pretending, my imagination remains one of my strongest traits though it is often the source of a lot of pain and self-destructive behaviour- that escapism into fantasy. I think I believed religion because it convinced people that magic was real and that amazing things did happen if you really believed. But looking back I see it was really wishful thinking. I think I'm going to finish writing this elsewhere an post  a link to my blog.    I don't want to lose this train of thought.