comments

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_LCiQP94Lk

comment left by me on the above video. 

i know how he feels - I wish I could tell people off like he does. Christians just say shit about God doing this and god doing this. When one person says anything like How do you know this is true? Where is the evidence? There is a real world with real answers. I sued to believe in all kinds of supernatural things and it hurt me, it poisoned my brain because I kept expecting magic to be real, that prayers would actually do something and that God would provide answers and guidance.  I'm not an atheist because I'm depressed or angry at God or the world. I'm an atheist because in the deepest depressions I used to scream and cry out for god to show me some sign or send me something to help me- AND nothing came. So I had to find my own answers. I ish I could make some shit up like there's a magic fairy that can just suck out the demons in my brain but I can't. It's all fucked up chemicals and my own bad decisions that I have to take responsibilty for. Even now- I am still looking for something outside of myself to "save me" but there is nothing- maybe some medication and a therapist but no angels or gods or some guy dying on a cross or walking on water or healing the blind. If Jesus can heal blindness or cast out demons he could easily clear up my depression, he doesn't even have to show up- just do it- now... .... .... nope nothing. I have to work to feed myself- this got really personal but I don't care I need to write all this out somewhere.

Neil deGrasse Tyson on God

The Atheist Awakens: Why belief without evidence is dangerous

The following is my response to a comment on a music video
God's Not Dead - Newsboys

I had fun in the comment section arguing against the content in the video which seemed to be a lot of the same old claims about god and straw-man arguements like "how can something come from nothing?"  I plan to give this video a full review and unpack some of the baggage contained within.  Go and watch the video and join the conversation.

Anyway I responded to some comment about seeing god in dreams and it triggered a memory I had involving a dream I had which at the time I really believed that it was a religious experience. The years following were perhaps a search for that one amazing trip. And I found quite a few in California- but I'll get to that.  This story is completely true, I left out some specific details to keep my family and friends safe from trolls and religious fanatics and condensed it to fit on a You Tube comment but it is still quite a story and ended up being a several pages long.  I welcome any questions, thoughts, or comments after you have read through it.

I saw God once-it was one of the most vivid dreams- at the time I really believed it was an out of body experience- I was in Target. I flew up over the shelves up through the ceiling, up over my town which I could see perfectly from above, and up through the stratosphere out into space. I watched Earth fall away. I looked up to see outer space and dark clouds which parted to reveal a bright light that I "knew" was God. I felt Him I was there I saw what I thought was god because he'd be so powerful no mortal could see it's face- then I woke up in my bed. After that I tried to go to church more and follow God wherever he guided me. Later I thought about it and at the time I was going through severe depression and was taking prozac. Which can cause side effects such as vivid intense dreams. And the more I thought about it- the less likely it was that I actually left my body. I've seen enough arial views of my town and knew enough about the earth to know what I'd expect to see if I did in fact fly up into space. 

There was a time I believed that angels watched over me, that God was guiding my life, maybe he still is but if it is I have no way of knowing for sure. I went out to California where I met "spiritual teachers" Bo Lozoff, Frank Sontag, Benjamin Creme who told me about Maitreya and the Masters of Wisdom, most of these you can look up and find out what they are all about. I'll go more into detail about each of these at another time. It's not a time I regret because I learned a lot about myself and picked up some habits and practices I still try to hold on to- my spiritual journey I called it. I was "spiritual but not religious" I was open to the idea that God was real and everyone just interpreted it differently. I suppose you would call me a pantheist. At the time I just called myself a Spiritual Seeker. 

And then there was Linus.  

One day when I was living in L.A., while writing in a journal I let my pen just wander. I let my subconscious thoughts take over, similar to a Oujia board. My hand wrote out directions to go to West L.A. take bus so-and-so and "find me".  So I did- I let this thing whatever it was guide me. It seemed to know everything before I did. I would draw a witch and a few minutes later, I saw a witch decoration (it was October go figure) and i would ask questions and it would answer.  It told me he was an Angel of the Lord named Linus and I was to meet him. It knew all these intimate details and was it really fascinating to me. I was also told that it was no coincidence that Los Angeles was literally the City of Angels because there were angels all along the coast guiding planes and ships and rescuing surfers a la Baywatch.  

I would ride buses all night to find him. It would tell me where to meet him and I'd go and nothing would be there. It always seemed to want to meet at Starbucks. I didn't find Linus- I did find Danny Trejo, though. I think he played a guy called Angel which made me laugh. I asked Linus and he said no- that's not me. My angel told me to look out the window to see him and I saw: my reflection. It was me the whole time. It took a while and several more attempts to accept that the "angel" was me, because it was kind of fun and seemed so real. It got me out of the house to avoid my insane asshole landlord which I think is part of why I indulged this delusion in the first place. But in the end I knew it was me. I woke up alone on a cold dark beach where I had collapsed because I didn't know where else to go. It took me a while to remember who I was, why I was there, I was so fucking cold. And I knew something was wrong. Something had to change. I couldn't keep doing this. Eventually, I got my shit together and worked through all this. Some night I still struggle with this- so many things happened - it comes back to me in bits and pieces but a lot of it is repressed. So much that I could probably write a book about it.

Now, I know that it was all in my head. I created that whole angel thing using bits of everything I believed about Angels and god - stuff from books and movies. It was then that I realized that believing in things without evidence without justification is not only delusional but dangerous. I was so ready to be a fucking bum for the rest of my life just to have some kind of religious experience. No angels no Jesus, nothing stopped me- but my own instinct- my own need to survive. I would have died out there if I hadn't come to my senses. 

Since then I started really questioning what I really believed and why. I left L.A. where I belong- I really belong there- but I came back to my home town(not going to say where) on Christmas Day- The next Christmas I looked back and realized it's all made up. It's all a delusion but there are so many people in authority pushing these beliefs on people before they even have a clue about the world. The Bible itself was written at a time when people thought the earth was flat and the center of the universe before as Hitch said, "anyone had the slightest idea what was going on."

My parents raised me to believe in God and Jesus. They also told me if I was good Santa Claus would bring me presents at Christmas. And from what I knew he did. I got older, of course, and figured out that it was them buying the presents. I don't remember the exact moment I stopped believing but I remember when I was old enough to go to a late Christmas Eve service, it was then I really thought about it that there was no way Santa could come to my house in the middle of the night and all the other houses in the world. What would he do if we weren't there? And it always baffled me how he got into our house when our chimney was so small and led straight to the furnace.   

Later when I was an adult I looked more into why Christians celebrate Christmas, what does all the trees, and lights and everything have to do with Jesus being born in a manger? How do we even know what date he was born on? Then I learned about Saturnalia from a YouTube video. And I found the Amazing Atheist who explained the real Reason for the Season.  Then I talked to my friend who had been raised in the same church as I was and we both came out to each other that we were atheists.   

And so here we are. I am an atheist. and I can't go back. Even if I wanted to. 

In Response to The Amazing Atheist's video - Religion: Does anyone really believe it?

Watch the video first to hear the question. It's in the title but I like T.J. so go watch his video and check out his channel and subscribe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arJE7QoOdQ0


Good question. Here is my answer, sorry if it's long-winded but it is good to write this all out once in a while. 

     I am an atheist but I struggle with this stuff almost everyday at least once a day if nothing else because it is good exercise to question even the firmest positions. To be clear to anyone who doesn't know me, or someone who might know me but has never seen this side of me, and to make it clear to atheists and theists alike what and who I am- I would describe myself as agnostic atheist- I don't know if there is a god- and all the claims there are of god don't meet their burden of proof so I don't believe.  It doesn't make me smarter or wiser or a science expert because while I may have grown in those areas in the last 20 years or so, atheism isn't some epiphany moment(like, A-HA! EUREKA! THERE IS NO GOD!) From my experience, it is the exact opposite of a religious revelation. It is what is left after all the bullshit falls away and while I can and will say with a strong degree of certainty "there is no god(at least the one I was raised to believe) and it's okay"I don't speak for all atheists and it's really just my own assertion to myself. It can't be proven but proof is not necessary because the burden of proof lies on the one making the claim. I am open to the possibility that a god exists but belief is reserved until better evidence is presented. That makes me an atheist. And even if it can be proved I don't know if a god deserves or requires worship. 

     To answer T.J., the Amazing Atheist's question, it's hard to say if I really believed or if I only pretended to believe because this process has taken so long- there's no exact moment when I know I believed and there's no exact moment when I for sure stopped believing.  When I was growing up, the early years up until high school I was raised in the doctrines of the United Methodist Church. I didn't have a traumatic, negative experience in Sunday School and church, that other denominations might. 

When I was younger, I believed what I was taught and participated happily. I was in choir, Boy Scouts, MYF(Youth fellowship- really just fun and games with a little Bible study which was always the part kids moaned and groaned about but I usually did it without much fuss because "I didn't want to make Jesus mad" He was my Friend, too, and I did believe that he was real even though I couldn't see him, I had lots of imaginary friends(and enemies) as well as real ones. 

I believed that the bible was real- I just never questioned it.  It was easier just to go with the flow even if you don't want to be there.)  There were always questions I had about how we worship or honor a god that's invisible or how we know he's really there.  I could imagine what he looked like and what he wanted. I never understood why we had to dress up and go to a building if God was everywhere and knew what we looked like naked.

I did not get a lot of negativity from the elders outside of usual teacher-y stuff like be quiet when adults are talking and let older people have your seat. I was generally quiet and well-behaved - which was more about how my parents raised me than what the Bible said. People I knew in church were for the most part friendly, kind and trustworthy(at least the ones that I knew well)- my friends all went to the same church and their parents usually went too so we all knew each other and liked each other. There was little talk of eternal torture or anything like that. To me it was like a big extended family gathering where you include everyone that wants to be there and treat them as you wanted to be treated. There are always one or two assholes though as in any group.

As I got older i found that I really have completely changed my views while a lot of the old church-goers(including my brother) are still the same and disagree on a lot of subjects and tend to be very Right wing and pround to me Merican- especially after 9/11. Thankfully I lived in California for 5 years. I learned that it was okay to be gay(I'm not) or bi or liberal or to disagree with the president and speak out against injustice. Now I see how wrong and backward they can be. And often ask that same question. Do they all really believe all that shit? I mean all the same people at the same church are businessmen, teachers, doctors, lawyers, engineers, it baffles me how they can go to work and be one thing and I doubt most even mentioned church or practice any of the core values(the good ones at least like love thy neighbor) unless it's to say oh our Church picnic is Saturday I can't work or something, and then every Sunday pray and give money to a silly superstition. It makes me wonder even though as I a kid, I'd say, yes, I did believe. But I was a kid I didn't really know anything about the world about other religions or that there were people called Atheists. As a young adult I thought maybe there was a god that was guiding me but the church and all it's bigotry and stuffy rigid thinking was wrong. I was a non-practicing theist for a while and dabbled in all kinds of spiritual woo as James Randi called it. I could list them all but they'd take too long to explain. I like a lot of eastern philosophy which is more about self-discipline than sucking the dick of some old magic man.   

Most of my life I always tried to do the right thing- even now I generally care about the well-being of others though sometimes I grow apathetic and even hurt people with my own negligence or lose control of temper now and then. I've never done any serious violent crime or anything like that. When I was younger I always had trouble with assholes and bullies all through school and sometimes at the church but it was rarely if ever from the religious angle. I think people are cruel when they know they can get away with it and there are alot of kind people too both in and out of religion but most people in general don't take enough time to examine if what they believe is true or how it affects the mind of a child. For me it just made sense to behave and relax but it was also fun to shake things up once in a while. 

I think part of the reason I loved church was that's where my friends were. I remember in my high school years, my friends and I would use Nursery(free day care for the little kids that couldn't sit still in church). and we'd have fun with the kids and put on plays and my best friend and I were acolytes at Christmas Eve services. It was a blast. Ironically, about five years ago my friend and I caught up over drinks and hadn't seen each other in years. We both brought up religion becuase that's how we me but found that we both had reached the conclusion that religion is bullshit and that it was weird to see our parents and elders still stuck in it. 

Looking back at my early years, it wasn't that hard to believe that there was this Friend out there called Jesus that just wanted to love me (as long as I was a good boy). I always tried to follow the commandments - I almost never fought back when bullies came spitting and kicking me at the bus stop. I almost never told a lie but I wasn't a tattletale either because when I did tell, that only made it worse. I hardly ever started trouble or stole anything or did anything illegal. I may have drawn on a few walls or tables but mostly out of boredom not to be a gang member or something. 

As a kid, I was always pretending, drawing and imagining that I was a good guy with super powers so the idea that there was this guy who told the weak that they'd be strong and to help others without thought of reward(reinforced by Boy Scouts and no, I was not molested or harrassed by Scoutmasters. Had some trouble with other kids but that is a separate issue). People always seemed surprised that I was so nice, so meek, so kind, polite, and patient(not bragging it's just who I was and still am in some ways). Well, I guess I paid too much attention to that part of the Sermon on the Mount which said the meek shall inherit the earth and the poor shall be rich and the weak shall be strong and the good will be rewarded and the bad shall be punished(i'll get to that) I really believed that God was merciful and a force of good. And some of those sentiments I still like and will fight for on occasion. I know not everyone follows that and in some cases, being bold, loud, deceptive, proud and in extreme situations violence is necessary to survuve in modern life.

For a long time after when I was out in the world as a young adult I felt that I was being guided and guarded by angels.  That God had a plan for me. That as long as I stayed true to his wishes I'd be okay. I never tried to push my religion on others unless they challenged mine. All I tried to do was mind my own business and try to do as much good as I could or just have fun with my friends and figure out what I wanted to do with my life.  But as you get older you get shifting ideas about morality- sooner or later you find that lying, stealing and even hurting someone either verbally or physically is a way to manipulate and get what you want. I'm not saying that without god a person cannot be moral. Because I still believe a lot of those things that murder, rape(which isn't forbidden in the Bible), theft, and hurting people for stupid reasons is wrong and punishable at least by law as determined by society. 


It wasn't till later that I really went back and read that after all the peace on earth, goodwill to men, there was this threat that if you didn't believe you went to hell, that if you did horrible things you were destined to be tortured horribly forever if but you could be forgiven if you drink grape juice and eat some bit of bread. That is what disgusts me the most about religion. And even though I'm glad that no one put me through that as a child (except people from more Fundie-type churches). I almost wish my church had at least brought it up more because hiding the nasty parts don't make them go away. It's like they told me to just agree to everything without reading the fine print. I didn't know about Crusades, Inquisition or other known religious atrocities but that wasn't really mentioned either until I did a report on the Crusades in high school. And then it was kind of cool because I liked knights and thought they were doing the the right thing not realizing it was wrong and so devastating. 

So, I hope you're still with me. This was supposed to be a little comment on a video but it is more like a chapter in a book. I keep saying "more like" a lot. Ever get into word patterns like that. there was a time I would sat "Actually" over and over. I just like the way it sounds and it kind of readjusts your point instead of saying um and er. 

To get back to the answer, there was a time that I actually believed mainly because I didn't think I could stop believing and no one forced me to question it until a roommate in college pointed out that my parents made me go because that's what they thought was best but religion is stupid and not supported but evidence(I'm kind of filling in with my own arguments because it was like 16 years ago and memory isn't that good anymore). When my roommate did it, he was so obnoxious and I hated him for it because he and my other roommates loved to shake things up and say things just because they knew people would get offended. Now, I'm more like them than I was back then but I try to be respectful until someone really doesn't get it - then I unleash the Dylan(that was my roommate's name. not to call him out or make him a villain but he was outspoken then and probably the same now) and I now consider him to be a mentor of sorts. He's like the vampire that made me what I am today and I can't change back. 

Back in those college days (1997-2000)days, I had god-believing friends who delved into other spiritual beliefs such as psychic abilities, wishing on trees/stars/pennies, tarot cards and ghosts and other supernatural things. For along time I believed in that, too, some experiences which I know now are mostly confirmation bias, wishful thinking and a refusal to look things carefully and search for actual evidence to support claims. I was in love with a girl who was all into those things and it fascinated me so much that I couldn't help getting swept up in it. I was an art student not a scientist and didn't really care if my beliefs were true as long as they felt good. I don't regret that time because I think it is part of my breaking away process.  My beliefs went from a small god in my church to a god that accepts all kinds of people and practices.  I am still friends with most of my college friends but they are mostly still clinging to religion while I have rejected. And I think most of those "spiritual" things are silly but I still like playing around with them- tarot cards are fun even if they don't have any real magic behind them- it's all just a way to figure out who you are or at least escape from reality.  

I always had questions though and saw inconsistencies in the Bible versus reality. It is inevitable, the more you learn about science and what words and complex terms mean, how to analyse a book, to use language and reason to make sense of the world. I hated school but I always loved learning at least english, art, and some science. I hated math and had more negative experiences with math teachers than I did with Sunday School teachers.  Which is a shame because if the reverse has been true I might have been like the next Carl Sagan or something.  but I'm learning to appreciated science and did really well in Algebra for my AA- but I am wandering off the point.   

As I got older I wondered why the Bible would talk about all these miracles but you never see them. Everything that happens has perfectly rational explanations or they are just make believe. I always loved pretending, my imagination remains one of my strongest traits though it is often the source of a lot of pain and self-destructive behaviour- that escapism into fantasy. I think I believed religion because it convinced people that magic was real and that amazing things did happen if you really believed. But looking back I see it was really wishful thinking. I think I'm going to finish writing this elsewhere an post  a link to my blog.    I don't want to lose this train of thought.