The following is my response to a comment on a music video
God's Not Dead - Newsboys
I had fun in the comment section arguing against the content in the video which seemed to be a lot of the same old claims about god and straw-man arguements like "how can something come from nothing?" I plan to give this video a full review and unpack some of the baggage contained within. Go and watch the video and join the conversation.
Anyway I responded to some comment about seeing god in dreams and it triggered a memory I had involving a dream I had which at the time I really believed that it was a religious experience. The years following were perhaps a search for that one amazing trip. And I found quite a few in California- but I'll get to that. This story is completely true, I left out some specific details to keep my family and friends safe from trolls and religious fanatics and condensed it to fit on a You Tube comment but it is still quite a story and ended up being a several pages long. I welcome any questions, thoughts, or comments after you have read through it.
I saw God once-it was one of the most vivid dreams- at the time I really believed it was an out of body experience- I was in Target. I flew up over the shelves up through the ceiling, up over my town which I could see perfectly from above, and up through the stratosphere out into space. I watched Earth fall away. I looked up to see outer space and dark clouds which parted to reveal a bright light that I "knew" was God. I felt Him I was there I saw what I thought was god because he'd be so powerful no mortal could see it's face- then I woke up in my bed. After that I tried to go to church more and follow God wherever he guided me. Later I thought about it and at the time I was going through severe depression and was taking prozac. Which can cause side effects such as vivid intense dreams. And the more I thought about it- the less likely it was that I actually left my body. I've seen enough arial views of my town and knew enough about the earth to know what I'd expect to see if I did in fact fly up into space.
There was a time I believed that angels watched over me, that God was guiding my life, maybe he still is but if it is I have no way of knowing for sure. I went out to California where I met "spiritual teachers" Bo Lozoff, Frank Sontag, Benjamin Creme who told me about Maitreya and the Masters of Wisdom, most of these you can look up and find out what they are all about. I'll go more into detail about each of these at another time. It's not a time I regret because I learned a lot about myself and picked up some habits and practices I still try to hold on to- my spiritual journey I called it. I was "spiritual but not religious" I was open to the idea that God was real and everyone just interpreted it differently. I suppose you would call me a pantheist. At the time I just called myself a Spiritual Seeker.
And then there was Linus.
One day when I was living in L.A., while writing in a journal I let my pen just wander. I let my subconscious thoughts take over, similar to a Oujia board. My hand wrote out directions to go to West L.A. take bus so-and-so and "find me". So I did- I let this thing whatever it was guide me. It seemed to know everything before I did. I would draw a witch and a few minutes later, I saw a witch decoration (it was October go figure) and i would ask questions and it would answer. It told me he was an Angel of the Lord named Linus and I was to meet him. It knew all these intimate details and was it really fascinating to me. I was also told that it was no coincidence that Los Angeles was literally the City of Angels because there were angels all along the coast guiding planes and ships and rescuing surfers a la Baywatch.
I would ride buses all night to find him. It would tell me where to meet him and I'd go and nothing would be there. It always seemed to want to meet at Starbucks. I didn't find Linus- I did find Danny Trejo, though. I think he played a guy called Angel which made me laugh. I asked Linus and he said no- that's not me. My angel told me to look out the window to see him and I saw: my reflection. It was me the whole time. It took a while and several more attempts to accept that the "angel" was me, because it was kind of fun and seemed so real. It got me out of the house to avoid my insane asshole landlord which I think is part of why I indulged this delusion in the first place. But in the end I knew it was me. I woke up alone on a cold dark beach where I had collapsed because I didn't know where else to go. It took me a while to remember who I was, why I was there, I was so fucking cold. And I knew something was wrong. Something had to change. I couldn't keep doing this. Eventually, I got my shit together and worked through all this. Some night I still struggle with this- so many things happened - it comes back to me in bits and pieces but a lot of it is repressed. So much that I could probably write a book about it.
Now, I know that it was all in my head. I created that whole angel thing using bits of everything I believed about Angels and god - stuff from books and movies. It was then that I realized that believing in things without evidence without justification is not only delusional but dangerous. I was so ready to be a fucking bum for the rest of my life just to have some kind of religious experience. No angels no Jesus, nothing stopped me- but my own instinct- my own need to survive. I would have died out there if I hadn't come to my senses.
Since then I started really questioning what I really believed and why. I left L.A. where I belong- I really belong there- but I came back to my home town(not going to say where) on Christmas Day- The next Christmas I looked back and realized it's all made up. It's all a delusion but there are so many people in authority pushing these beliefs on people before they even have a clue about the world. The Bible itself was written at a time when people thought the earth was flat and the center of the universe before as Hitch said, "anyone had the slightest idea what was going on."
My parents raised me to believe in God and Jesus. They also told me if I was good Santa Claus would bring me presents at Christmas. And from what I knew he did. I got older, of course, and figured out that it was them buying the presents. I don't remember the exact moment I stopped believing but I remember when I was old enough to go to a late Christmas Eve service, it was then I really thought about it that there was no way Santa could come to my house in the middle of the night and all the other houses in the world. What would he do if we weren't there? And it always baffled me how he got into our house when our chimney was so small and led straight to the furnace.
Later when I was an adult I looked more into why Christians celebrate Christmas, what does all the trees, and lights and everything have to do with Jesus being born in a manger? How do we even know what date he was born on? Then I learned about Saturnalia from a YouTube video. And I found the Amazing Atheist who explained the real Reason for the Season. Then I talked to my friend who had been raised in the same church as I was and we both came out to each other that we were atheists.
And so here we are. I am an atheist. and I can't go back. Even if I wanted to.
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