Full Moon

There is a full moon tonight
Wind blows trees creak and moan
Cry for the death of the summer
Heat lingers hot air chokes

Everything is wrong but I am right
So many friends and still alone
Time chews at swollen feet
Summons memories of past

Endless Nights looking for a ghost
A witch or a way to feel free
Locked in a prison of doubt
Smoke from another pack of lies

What am I doing in this empty place
In a room that keeps me stuck
Forever tortured by constant pain
I just want it to end but not yet

I need someone to help me move on
No one else can do it but me
my own worst enemy
My own best friend

I kill myself slowly to feel alive
For a world that has moved on long ago
All I want is to create something
That will live on after I leave

I am lost in the woods
No found footage to show where I went
No money to pay a madman for rent
No love to help me pass on my dream

That is what I need
But I don't know how to get that
I don't even know how to fix
Whatever is wrong inside of me

The path is the one you choose
There is no evil force holding you back
The way out its not as hard as it seems
Find a way to be happy and share it with someone.

4:16

Another night early morning what the fuck am I doing? I should be asleep but I'm awake. Smoking. Digging the trench a little deeper. One week until quit date.

Part of me thinks I'll quit and my life will suddenly improve. Maybe it will. My lungs will repair. My senses will sharpen. Taste buds will work better. Give it a chance.

My life will still suck. I'll still be stuck here.
Something else has to change. I need to make more money. I need save more money. I need a plan to move out and on with my life.

I need friends. I need love. I need social interaction. Being alone will kill me faster than cigarettes.

I've been alone for as long as I can remember.

You're not alone.
Ramona Flowers. In her subspace highway. She's a dream girl. Maybe that's what I need. To get a life.

To fight for my life.

It's not too late.

Seek and ye shall find. Do not search for God. Search for a way to show everyone that you are happy and healthier without a God. That reason and truth guide your actions and not darkness and delusion.

Still they come. The Nazgul. The demons of my brain. Fight them. Rise from the darkness and become a happy whole person.

How do I change? How do I move on? How do I get my life in order?

Keep going

Now I lay me on the bed
Words pour out of my head
I don't pray so don't even ask
Set my fingers on a task
To pry open the cockles of thought
Search for spoils of war I've fought
Braking locks to ancient chests
Not staring at naked breasts
Or playing marvelous game of death
More addictive than crack or meth
Not sleeping or listening to asleep
Or praying the Lord my soul to keep
We don't have a Lord we are free
This is Labor Day right so fuck me
I have to work and not drink beer
Or go on a trip to kill some deer
I'm not a redneck but I have lost tooth
Lincoln was killed by John Wilkes Boothe
I don't know where I'm going with this
This was going to be a hit but it's a miss
I was trying be serious and super deep
Now I'm just losing more empty sleep
I don't even dream of anything cool
Except watching girls in some pool
My mind wanders wants to come back
If I'm lucky I'll have deadly heart attack
That can't be healthy hoping for death
I know it's pathetic but that's all I have left
After a whole fucking year my heart BURNS
I am still waiting for that thing that turns
Me around, puts me back on my path
Art, music, film, writing, even fucking math
There's so much more to life for
So much more to learn
I'm not going anywhere
Unless they open a wormhole at CERN
And ask for volunteers to jump on in
Meet some aliens with balls on their chin
Keep going I got nothing else to say
Sometimes I'm so fucking gay
Gay as in retarded not fucking men
Not that there's anything wrong with that Ken.
Who is that I don't fucking care
This is still going my feet are bare
Now I'm out of anything good to share
Maybe I'll continue tomorrow it's a dare
I

Write something

I need to write. I am not sure exactly what I want to write about. My life? I'm 37. Same number of dicks that Dante's girlfriend sucked. Same age as Dennis in Monty Python and The Holy Grail. It's September. Another summer has come and almost gone. September more than January feels like a new year beginning. All those years of school set that pattern.

Sometimes I make little vows to myself to change something. A long time ago I made a decision to move to California by September 13, 2002 a year after 9/11. It began a strange journey that I feel I am still on but have lingered too long in a comfortable but not exactly happy place.

I have been through many jobs that aren't exactly what I want to do. Jobs that don't incorporate the best parts of me. My intellect, my imagination, my creative drive which I still feel but it's locked away in a vault.

I don't know how to unlock it. Except to write and draw. Will it go anywhere? I don't know. There is nothing wrong with saying that. But at some point I have to know that this is not where I ever thought I'd be.

Living with my parents in my childhood cave like Bilbo in his Hobbit hole. Many years after adventures that yeilds much treasure and the meeting of magical friends.

My friends magic or otherwise are scattered around. Some on the west coast. Some on the east. Some so close but I can never see or talk to for reasons I don't understand.

Who am I? It is a futile question at this point. No answer really captures who I am.

As I sit on my deck. In the cold. Yes it is now getting cold. The hard wood of the deck is uncomfortable. I just smoked a cigarette. I smell the char. The burnt paper and plastic. The sweet spicy tobacco. The suffocating carbon monoxide poison.

Why am I doing this? Why am I slowly killing myself. I know my life can be better, brighter, healthier. But I still remain trapped in this flabby exhausted prison. My teeth are rotting. I hardly brush. I eat too much fast food and whatever I can get my hands on. I have money but never seem to keep enough to do anything of value.

Where do I go from here?

I just touched a slug. Ugh.