Love trumps hate

There is rising tension in the Presidential race. On one side the G.O.P. Republican frontrunner Donald Trump. On the other Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton.

Trump is a loud mouth. He has been inciting violence, racism and discrimination. He appeals to the Fox News crowd. He's called Mexican immigrants "rapists, murderers, terrorists". He has advocated the ban of Muslims. He's insulted women and minorities. Protestors attending his rallied have been bullied and kicked out. He tells his people " in the old days these people werent treated so nice, it's time to go back to that." Make America Great Again is his slogan. He wants America to revert to the 50s and 60s.

For the most part I don't really care about politics. The party system and voting system are antiquated and we usually have to choose between dogshit and garbage.

When I was younger I didn't really pay attention. I just followed the party line of my parents which was mostly republican.

Then George W. Bush got elected (some say stole the election but I'm not going to discuss that right now). Then 9/11 happened and we started bomobjng Afghanistan and invaded Iraq. In my apartment in California, I watched on CNN as tanks rolled into Baghdad, soldiers evicted people from their homes looking for WMDs and Saddam Hussein. We were told he was connected to Al Queda. We heard all the rhetoric "we gotta fight them over there to prevent more attacks here." "If you're not with us you're with the enemy." "Stay the course."

W stood on the aircraft carrier in safe sunny San Diego and declared "mission accomplished". Months later troops were still dying, and I started asking questions. Why were we still there? Why were people still being blown up if the war was over?
Where were the WMDs?

The "war on terror" was a time of fear and major changes both in our country and inside of me. I took a stand. I won Neil Young's Living With War from Jim Ladd on 95.5 klos. I listened to Frank Sontag on Sunday nights talking about questioning things, practicing nonviolence, civil disobedience, becoming a peaceful warrior. I listened to Jackson Browne sing "Lives in the Balance" and  "Looking East"

Through Frank Sontag I met "spiritual teachers" Bo Lozoff, Benjamin Creme, and Ghandi. I became a student of meditation, yoga, and my own inner teacher. I walked the path of a mystic fool on the hill. I walked everywhere and lost so much weight.

This is going into a different topic but I'm rolling with it. I may be on to something.

Cut to: now I am back in Maryland. Lost my faith in God, part of the same questioning process. Lost my dream.
But I freed my mind from the chains of religion and spirituality.  I gained a new perspective and I refused to allow another Bush or Republican in the white house.

And I wasn't alone. I saw Obama gaining momentum in his campaign. When he came to Baltimore I stood in the cold and heard him speak about making America great how we are all in this together. He spoke to young people, minorities (who are quickly becoming majority). He talked about hope and change. He made some promises. Some he fulfilled. A lot stilly f them got broken or shoved under mountains of bullshit from both parties.

Now we are coming up on a new election. Bernie Sanders. He is the new voice of the Democratic party. He speaks about  fighting corporate greed, raising minimum wage, making policies to build economy, solutions to dealing with climate change. I'm not naive enough to think he can do all he promises but his policies align with what I think needs to change.

When I vote, I don't necessarily vote for a candidate, I vote on the issues. I voted for marriage equality and it passed it is the law. I voted for Obama. He changed healthcare. It's still a quagmire that needs reform. I have a voice and it is being heard.

There are other voices. Loud, bigoted views which are spewed forth from the mouth of Trump and met with thunderous applause. I have yet to hear Trump offer any solutions other than to bully minorities and appeal to the kind of fear mongering I heard in the Bush administration. If he is elected or any of the other Republicans for that matter we will fall back into that cycle of violence and terror alert levels and us or them rhetoric.

I stand against that kind of tyranny. I stand with Bernie Sanders who believes that we can overcome this fear and hate. He does not swear by any holy book or invisible man but embraces the few positive principles within each religion which are older than religion. I think, if he is elected, he may be the first atheist president. That alone makes him my hero.
Don't let me down, B.

Another year

Another year
Another day
Am I still on the road
Or have I lost my way
Lost in my head
Lost many things
Games dreams lovers friends
Plans schemes pencils pens
Most of the time I just lose me

I don't know how to get myself back
How to get my life on track
I hate these clichés they don't mean a thing
I fucking hate this rhyme scheme
Somebody please give me some hope.
I'm drowning in doubt
Heartbreak
And
See what could have been what should have been what never will be
Now or never
Help
Me

E.E.T. part 3

2C

Now you may be thinking. How does this Louis Tully looking guy have the skills to fight a horde of aliens?

I will explain it all when I get to her and tell her why I have her half of my heart.
Around my neck is a silver chain and a blue medallion in the shape of a heart. Half a heart.  She has the other one. At least I hope she still does.

I pull up the gallery on my phone her face.
Her eyes, green-gold with a touch of fire and water. Around her neck the other half.
The last time we were together. As friends. As soulmates. Until she quit. After I quit Mel's. I didn't give up on her. She gave up on me.
Or did she?

Maybe it's time I told her the truth. The whole truth. Now that the whole world knows.

I drive past empty demolished smoldering apartment buildings. I see hers. The parking lot ablaze with burning cars
The front of her building looks like a giant foot had kicked it in. Broken glass, slabs of rubble, water and sewage pours out of broken pipes.

I drive around to the back of the building. I get out and walk cautiously to the back door to the laundry room which seems undamaged. Looking behind me. No badguys.

I take out my - need a name for this that won't get me sued by Disney- demonsword. It blazes to life.

I cut a hole in the glass. It falls and shatters. Look around. Listen for danger. Nothing.

Enter. The swoard casts a reddish light on everything. I make my way up the stairs to the second floor. Broken light fixtures, some broken steps.

I get halfway up and hear noises
Hissing gurgling. Then I smell them. A sickening acidic bile stench mixed with termites and garbage.  The door across from hers is open.

I slowly move up the steps. The top step creaks. Before I can say her name the E.E.T. rushes out

E.E.T. part 2

Mel's.
Where we closed together many nights. I don't know if she's there or at home. I have to be sure. I take back roads and descend the hill to Mel's. It is a smoking pile of rubble.
 
I see her car. It is also a smoking wreck but I see shapes that could be her body.

In the borrowed car I see a uniform hanging in the back. Nametag reads BLACK. It just occurs to me that this is a cop car. I open the glove box. A pistol. I check the clip. Fully loaded.

Only fired a few guns on some boy scout trip to a shooting range. And various arcade shooting games.

I pull up to her car and slowly get out.
Something is in the front seat. Moving.

"Care-"
It hisses.
It's not her.
Beady red eyes stare at me. Shit.
I raise the gun.
It steps out. A scaly bipedal creature with wide pointy ears, sharp lizard features.
Reptilians. Demons.
"Don't move or I'll"
It is faster than anything I've seen.

The gun is ripped from my hand and I'm knocked to the ground. It stands over me.
Elliot screeches and runs for it. The beast catches him. I grab the gun. Point and Fire.

It spins rushes at me again but I pull the trigger again.
Cold Black blood splashes my face.
It falls over. Something clatters against the pavement.

A curved handle like a-
"No-"
I pick it up
-fucking-"
A crash. More demons emerge from Mel's. My thumb presses a little nob.
"Way" a red glowing fibre extends glows red hot.
They rush toward me. They activate on their own um energy swords.
Parry. Parry block. Slash. One down. Slash. Two down. Ouch. Kicked. Slashed. Fuck. My shoulder. Stab. Three down.

How can I be so good at this. I've been dreaming and practicing for this my whole life.

"Come on Elliot! Elliot?" 
I see the cat at the bottom of the hill where the road to Mel's meets route 321 aka Ramona Blvd
I get back in Officer Black's car.

Drive down, following Elliot across the boulevard, down an alley
How does he know where to go?

Writing Exercise no. 3: Welcome to Earth

Just saw 10 Cloverfield Lane. A Thriller/suspense/ sci Fi film about a girl that wakes up in a bunker rescued and kept safe by a mad man. Reminded me of when I lived with Liam *shudders* John Goodman was great. Also the girl is Ramona Flowers -Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She is awesome in this. I love her.

Writing exercise: alien invasion. How do I find out, where do you go, who do u want to be with. The story is in my head. Right there. Here it comes
                              _   _
                           -° _°_ °-

Carrie.
I snap awake. Where am I?
I'm in my car. Engine off.
Head lifts off the steering wheel. Blood drips from my nose. I grab a wad of napkins and shove it in my nostrils.
Hand grabs phone. Screen is smashed.
Press on button. Lights up for a second.
I can see her last words.

Me: Do you need a ride?
Carrie: No thanks. Rick is going to pick me
Me: up
Carrie: Scott, something wr
Me: what's wrong
Carrie: hel

Her phone dying. I text back.

Carrie: are u OK? I'm coming for you. Stay where you are if you are safe.
Sending... Connection problems

She doesn't want me. She wants him.What if she's hurt or worse? What if theyre waiting for me. It would be safer to hide. Wait it out.

No. I have to check. Something happened. I don't know what exactly. A flash. I see fire in the distance. Bright lights in the sky, blurry shapes fly overhead.  Stay still, quiet. Loud reverberating engines. I watch it swim through the sky. Somehow metallic like a bulldozer, yet organic like a whale. How do they not see me? Don't they have infrared scanners? X-ray? Some tech we haven't discovered?

Aliens. You know the Meme.
I heard something had hit downtown. Town hall and main Street is destroyed
Fires rage.  I saw it all below me. From the overlook where i like to sit and smoke from my C-3PO pipe. I see the winding road into the valley where she lives with her bf. I swear she's in love with my doppelganger.

I try to start my car. Nothing. Engine is smoking. And it's not feeling as good as I am. I didn't know what was going on. I just wanted one last trip into the Twilight Zone and now it is my reality.

Quick inventory. Hoodie slightly torn, 4 cigarettes, half bottle of water, flashlight, lighter, keys, phone- screen now black. I take it and grab my charger and chord. The one that save my life once before.

I get out of the car and run toward the trees next to the road. Down the embankment into the woods taking a side trail I knew by heart. Still I stumble on the jagged rocks along the path.

The alien machine is off in the distance. I  hear gun fire, a helicopter, explosions
Fuck, this must be a dream! Michael Bay is now directing my dreams.

I run-stumble roll down the hill, cross the road several times. Into the valley, I creep past houses. No one. Anywhere. There must have been an evacuation.

Car. I need a car.

Nearest house with a car in the drive. I sneak to the back door. No lights. No sound. Except the real life space invaders going on in the distance.

The sliding glass back door is cracked
I pick up a rock from the driveway and smash the glass.

Inside.
"Hello?"
Silence. Something rubs my leg. I jump.
"Shit! Oh."
Cat. Black cat. I reach out my hands. It hisses for a moment then snuffs, rubs my hand with its head and nose. I look on the collar "Elliot"

"Eliot, this time E.T. is not so nice."
I opened the fridge. Chicken
Take a leg and toss a peice to my new friend. I gather supplies pack them into an empty backpack I found.
Some food, water bottles, first aid kit, keys. "Let's go Elliot. Wait."

I leave a note.
I will return the car if I can.
Eliot runs to the front door. Thanks, Scott Hammond

Outside I get into the car. Eliot sits on the porch mesmerized by the noise and lights.
"Come on, Elliot."

I light a cigarette. A white flash in dark clouds.  A loud boom overhead like thunder. Eliot runs off into the brush.
"Later then."

Raindrops splatter the windshield. I start the car. More raindrops. I plug my phone into the car charger in .
Light vibration. Screen.

Carrie: hurry, I need u
Delivered at 11:38 p.m.
Me: I'm coming. Elliot jumps in the window.
And Elliot is coming with me

I'm scared. I could be vaporized, abducted, probed. But she needs me. Bring it, E.E.T.(evil E.T.).

Job Insecurity

So I may be out of a job on Sunday. Chris and Chris sat me down and told me if I didn't improve they're going to let me go. Seems out of the blue. They're saying I'm not fast enough and sometimes I leave without everything done. Which is bullshit.

They're going to fire me. On my birthday. No they're not. I'm going to work harder. I have been the last two days. But they haven't even been there.

A week ago they said they would start training me on other stations. Which I am very interested in doing. But I need to be trained. I learn by doing. They can't expect me to just know what to do.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose my job at Bonefish. I like working there. When an order comes on my screen I stop whatever I'm doing to get the salads and desserts out.

But often times I am portioning crab meat or stocking my line. They don't say two words to me. If they want me to do more they should ask me. Or maybe I should ask for more to do.

I do need another job to make more money. To save for my future. To move out. But where do I go? California?

I need a car. I need a job out there. I need to save several thousand dollars and just don't have it. I don't save like I should. When I get a lot saved I spend it all on shit.

I'm no better off than I was when i moved here. I am no closer to a dream whatever that is. I'm writing more. I am trying to get back to writing for film or maybe a book. But no where near something marketable or sellable.

I feel the darkness. Depression. The Nazgul closing in again. Tired of fighting them, running from them. I'll make a stand. I'll fight.

Be in the end I'll lose. It's only a matter of time.

Writing Exercise no. 2: St. Elmos Fire meaning of life

St. Elmo's Fire. I guess I'm going with the 80's brat pack theme. This time "the writer" aka me is Kevin played by Andy McCarthy. He's in love with Ally Sheedy and tells her. They make love but she doesn't love him back. Andy McCarthy is My favorite of the brat pack guys. In the movie he writes for a newspaper. He writes an article on the meaning of life. Now  I am going to write my peice on the meaning of life.

Something I've attempted on several occasions. Also he smokes a lot and now I need one.

What is the meaning of life?
To answer such a broad question where does one start? You can try some life is x statements. Life is sex. Life is fire. Life is a miracle. Life is life. Love is life.

Does life have any meaning?
Life in general or my specific life?
Why are we here? Why am I here?

Maybe life is just St. Elmo's Fire.
St. Elmo's Fire as described by Rob Lowe are flashes of light in the night sky. Sailors used to see them on long voyages. They'd see a bright flash of something and go after it even if it kills them in the process.

But it's an illusion. A mirage created not by some natural force of nature but by one's brain. It's a dream. A fantasy.

All my life I've been looking for the "one". I see someone a friend. A girl who fascinates me challenges me introduces me to some magic or makes me see something feel something I've never felt before.

I fall in love and create a fantasy version of the one I love in my head. I talk to her, I take her on the perfect date, I fight all her evil exes and the bullies that pick on her.
Then I see her in real life and we share a moment. I feel all this love and desire. I do everything I can to  make the real one match my dream girl.
And it never works.

Emilio sees a girl he has been in love with that barely remembers him but he wants her. He stalks her, obssesses over her, threatens people just to get a glimpse of her. He drives all the way to some cabin in the woods just to be stuck in the snow as a third wheel.

They talk for a moment and he kisses her in a grand flourish. For a moment he has won her heart. But she lets him go. I never had the nerve to just do that. It's too late now. Cassie, Adriana, Ally, Chris all never knew never understood how I feel. All are married or living their own lives.

I went to Taco Bell. She was there. My Cassie. His Cassie. She didn't say anything. I sat there listening waiting for some acknowledgement. Nothing

I don't even feel that love anymore. It's a ghost now. I'm a ghost, an apparition, a spirit.  I haunt her. She haunts me.

I'm still alive but dead to the people I love the most. They may want me back but I am not the me I used to be. And neither are they.

There is no meaning of life. This life. This breath. These blackened lungs, these nearsighted blue eyes, this sluggish heart is all I am all I know of life. But there is no meaning of life. No nugget of wisdom to sum it up. 99% of all people ever are already dead. Soon I will join them. But not yet.

Atheism and depression

I want to make something clear. I am an atheist. I don't believe in God. That's all that means. No belief in any gods.

I've only been an atheist for about 8 years or more. There's no single moment where I was like Aha I don't believe in God eureka! It was a long, process of many years becoming an athiest was just what's left after throwing out things I no longer believe.

For many years I have struggled with depression. I'm not depressed because I'm an atheist. I am an atheist AND i struggle with depression. I'm not going to say it's not connected but they are mutually exclusive. There are theists who struggle with mental illness much worse than mine. There are atheists who live full healthy lives free of depression and other mental issues.

There's no one cause for depression. And there's no single reason why I'm an atheist. They are both complicated issues with nuance and ongoing struggles.

There is a correlation but it's not causation. The correlation is that when I feel like I've lost everything, when I feel like the world had turned it's back on me or that I had a chance to experience something great I fucked it up somehow and now it's lost.

When all seems lost I lie in bed or on the floor or I disappear to a cold dark Beach or someplace where I feel at home even though don't feel good.

In the deepest darkest hour. When light seems to be so far away. When nothing seems to pick me up and give me strength to keep fighting I have to wonder. I have to ask.

If there is a God, why doesn't he do anything to help me? If he has how do I know it was God and not just in my head. It's not for lack of seeking, it is not that I don't want him to find me. I'm not even angry at God. I don't believe in God.

I just don't see how people can believe in something that can't take one second to show me that he's real and that he can help me. I'm waiting.

All i want

All I want all I ever wanted was someone to love
Someone to love me for who I am
Everytime I think I found someone
Everytime I see my chance
I reach out and it's taken from me
Or I get a taste and it is poison

I search for the Being that everyone around me sees and knows
I seek, I ask, I knock, I am here
You know me, here I am
What have I done?
What have I done to deserve a life of loneliness and pain?
I never want to hurt anyone.
I never wanted to do anything but be me

I dream I write I try to find what it is I'm supposed to do
Everytime I think I know what to do something stops me
Sometimes it's something beyond my control
But really it's just me
I'm my own worst enemy and everyone knows it
They see it but they don't know what to do with it
So they send me away
I'm no longer their problem

Maybe if. I told my self lies maybe if I convince myself that magic is real that God is real
that there's some divine plan and I'm part of it I don't know what that is
I thought maybe if I was a part of someone else's life I would find it
But there is no one
No one wants me
If they ever did they don't want the darkest part of me
They don't know how deep this poison flows
They don't know that even if I'm happy for one moment
The next moment I will be in the pit of shit.
I will tell it.
I will tell it all.
Here in this blog.

It's just a box of rain I don't know who put it there. Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare - the greatful dead

Fuck you you don't care. You just want to forget the pain that I remind you of.

Soon I will be dead and no one's going to understand.

I know why Robin Williams killed himself. I get it. The only reason I haven't done it. The only reason I am still here is that I'm afraid I'll fuck that up to and this shit will start all over again. 

I'm truly lost.

If that's true

First Day of March: feeling lucky

March arrives with sunny skies
February made me shiver with the last throes of a dying love and lies

Frankly my dear I don't give a damn
About lions or lambs I just want you to know who I am and what I want to do

Another year older in less than two weeks
Pain gives way to inspiration the Muse feeds on heartbreak and life

Something new is about to happen I feel it in my bones a new face a new place to call home I'm tired of sleeping alone

Come with me if you want to live a life full of groovy dinners and great adventures
Rescue me from lonely indenture

Conflict may arise but I am prepared to face the future with sharp teeth bared
Feed the wolf that dared to be shared

Or the one who wants to know your hopes and dreams, the one who cuts your ropes and offers his hand to hold and kiss