Atheism and depression

I want to make something clear. I am an atheist. I don't believe in God. That's all that means. No belief in any gods.

I've only been an atheist for about 8 years or more. There's no single moment where I was like Aha I don't believe in God eureka! It was a long, process of many years becoming an athiest was just what's left after throwing out things I no longer believe.

For many years I have struggled with depression. I'm not depressed because I'm an atheist. I am an atheist AND i struggle with depression. I'm not going to say it's not connected but they are mutually exclusive. There are theists who struggle with mental illness much worse than mine. There are atheists who live full healthy lives free of depression and other mental issues.

There's no one cause for depression. And there's no single reason why I'm an atheist. They are both complicated issues with nuance and ongoing struggles.

There is a correlation but it's not causation. The correlation is that when I feel like I've lost everything, when I feel like the world had turned it's back on me or that I had a chance to experience something great I fucked it up somehow and now it's lost.

When all seems lost I lie in bed or on the floor or I disappear to a cold dark Beach or someplace where I feel at home even though don't feel good.

In the deepest darkest hour. When light seems to be so far away. When nothing seems to pick me up and give me strength to keep fighting I have to wonder. I have to ask.

If there is a God, why doesn't he do anything to help me? If he has how do I know it was God and not just in my head. It's not for lack of seeking, it is not that I don't want him to find me. I'm not even angry at God. I don't believe in God.

I just don't see how people can believe in something that can't take one second to show me that he's real and that he can help me. I'm waiting.