All i want

All I want all I ever wanted was someone to love
Someone to love me for who I am
Everytime I think I found someone
Everytime I see my chance
I reach out and it's taken from me
Or I get a taste and it is poison

I search for the Being that everyone around me sees and knows
I seek, I ask, I knock, I am here
You know me, here I am
What have I done?
What have I done to deserve a life of loneliness and pain?
I never want to hurt anyone.
I never wanted to do anything but be me

I dream I write I try to find what it is I'm supposed to do
Everytime I think I know what to do something stops me
Sometimes it's something beyond my control
But really it's just me
I'm my own worst enemy and everyone knows it
They see it but they don't know what to do with it
So they send me away
I'm no longer their problem

Maybe if. I told my self lies maybe if I convince myself that magic is real that God is real
that there's some divine plan and I'm part of it I don't know what that is
I thought maybe if I was a part of someone else's life I would find it
But there is no one
No one wants me
If they ever did they don't want the darkest part of me
They don't know how deep this poison flows
They don't know that even if I'm happy for one moment
The next moment I will be in the pit of shit.
I will tell it.
I will tell it all.
Here in this blog.

It's just a box of rain I don't know who put it there. Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare - the greatful dead

Fuck you you don't care. You just want to forget the pain that I remind you of.

Soon I will be dead and no one's going to understand.

I know why Robin Williams killed himself. I get it. The only reason I haven't done it. The only reason I am still here is that I'm afraid I'll fuck that up to and this shit will start all over again. 

I'm truly lost.

If that's true