November

November. I'm so tired. And fat. And I'm smoking again. I have little money. Still have my job. Still here. Nothing more to say. I am stuck in this cycle of self-destructive behavior. I have no plans
No goals no dreams. Friends but not here. If I died now there'd be nothing interesting to say about me. What a waste of life. Maybe I'll have a dream that inspires me to do something amazing or to just do something to improve my situation.

My depression which has mostly been held at bay is clawing at my brain. My body. My health which is waning. I need to talk to somebody. How do I get my life in order? How do u shake this heavy dementors curse? Expecto.   . .

Full Moon

There is a full moon tonight
Wind blows trees creak and moan
Cry for the death of the summer
Heat lingers hot air chokes

Everything is wrong but I am right
So many friends and still alone
Time chews at swollen feet
Summons memories of past

Endless Nights looking for a ghost
A witch or a way to feel free
Locked in a prison of doubt
Smoke from another pack of lies

What am I doing in this empty place
In a room that keeps me stuck
Forever tortured by constant pain
I just want it to end but not yet

I need someone to help me move on
No one else can do it but me
my own worst enemy
My own best friend

I kill myself slowly to feel alive
For a world that has moved on long ago
All I want is to create something
That will live on after I leave

I am lost in the woods
No found footage to show where I went
No money to pay a madman for rent
No love to help me pass on my dream

That is what I need
But I don't know how to get that
I don't even know how to fix
Whatever is wrong inside of me

The path is the one you choose
There is no evil force holding you back
The way out its not as hard as it seems
Find a way to be happy and share it with someone.

4:16

Another night early morning what the fuck am I doing? I should be asleep but I'm awake. Smoking. Digging the trench a little deeper. One week until quit date.

Part of me thinks I'll quit and my life will suddenly improve. Maybe it will. My lungs will repair. My senses will sharpen. Taste buds will work better. Give it a chance.

My life will still suck. I'll still be stuck here.
Something else has to change. I need to make more money. I need save more money. I need a plan to move out and on with my life.

I need friends. I need love. I need social interaction. Being alone will kill me faster than cigarettes.

I've been alone for as long as I can remember.

You're not alone.
Ramona Flowers. In her subspace highway. She's a dream girl. Maybe that's what I need. To get a life.

To fight for my life.

It's not too late.

Seek and ye shall find. Do not search for God. Search for a way to show everyone that you are happy and healthier without a God. That reason and truth guide your actions and not darkness and delusion.

Still they come. The Nazgul. The demons of my brain. Fight them. Rise from the darkness and become a happy whole person.

How do I change? How do I move on? How do I get my life in order?

Keep going

Now I lay me on the bed
Words pour out of my head
I don't pray so don't even ask
Set my fingers on a task
To pry open the cockles of thought
Search for spoils of war I've fought
Braking locks to ancient chests
Not staring at naked breasts
Or playing marvelous game of death
More addictive than crack or meth
Not sleeping or listening to asleep
Or praying the Lord my soul to keep
We don't have a Lord we are free
This is Labor Day right so fuck me
I have to work and not drink beer
Or go on a trip to kill some deer
I'm not a redneck but I have lost tooth
Lincoln was killed by John Wilkes Boothe
I don't know where I'm going with this
This was going to be a hit but it's a miss
I was trying be serious and super deep
Now I'm just losing more empty sleep
I don't even dream of anything cool
Except watching girls in some pool
My mind wanders wants to come back
If I'm lucky I'll have deadly heart attack
That can't be healthy hoping for death
I know it's pathetic but that's all I have left
After a whole fucking year my heart BURNS
I am still waiting for that thing that turns
Me around, puts me back on my path
Art, music, film, writing, even fucking math
There's so much more to life for
So much more to learn
I'm not going anywhere
Unless they open a wormhole at CERN
And ask for volunteers to jump on in
Meet some aliens with balls on their chin
Keep going I got nothing else to say
Sometimes I'm so fucking gay
Gay as in retarded not fucking men
Not that there's anything wrong with that Ken.
Who is that I don't fucking care
This is still going my feet are bare
Now I'm out of anything good to share
Maybe I'll continue tomorrow it's a dare
I

Write something

I need to write. I am not sure exactly what I want to write about. My life? I'm 37. Same number of dicks that Dante's girlfriend sucked. Same age as Dennis in Monty Python and The Holy Grail. It's September. Another summer has come and almost gone. September more than January feels like a new year beginning. All those years of school set that pattern.

Sometimes I make little vows to myself to change something. A long time ago I made a decision to move to California by September 13, 2002 a year after 9/11. It began a strange journey that I feel I am still on but have lingered too long in a comfortable but not exactly happy place.

I have been through many jobs that aren't exactly what I want to do. Jobs that don't incorporate the best parts of me. My intellect, my imagination, my creative drive which I still feel but it's locked away in a vault.

I don't know how to unlock it. Except to write and draw. Will it go anywhere? I don't know. There is nothing wrong with saying that. But at some point I have to know that this is not where I ever thought I'd be.

Living with my parents in my childhood cave like Bilbo in his Hobbit hole. Many years after adventures that yeilds much treasure and the meeting of magical friends.

My friends magic or otherwise are scattered around. Some on the west coast. Some on the east. Some so close but I can never see or talk to for reasons I don't understand.

Who am I? It is a futile question at this point. No answer really captures who I am.

As I sit on my deck. In the cold. Yes it is now getting cold. The hard wood of the deck is uncomfortable. I just smoked a cigarette. I smell the char. The burnt paper and plastic. The sweet spicy tobacco. The suffocating carbon monoxide poison.

Why am I doing this? Why am I slowly killing myself. I know my life can be better, brighter, healthier. But I still remain trapped in this flabby exhausted prison. My teeth are rotting. I hardly brush. I eat too much fast food and whatever I can get my hands on. I have money but never seem to keep enough to do anything of value.

Where do I go from here?

I just touched a slug. Ugh.

Magical moment

Make A Wish
Wishes are bullshit they never come true
Magic is real
I don't believe in magic
But I do
But I believe in you
So make a wish
I wish that magic was real
And my wishes came true
There is only one thing I want
Only one way to prove
That anything you say is sooth
Look! A shooting star
It's not a star it's a meteorite
Why you gotta be so mean
Mean? It's called science
You take all the fun out of life
If you wish to devote your life to mystical bullshit that you picked up from some shitty 80s movie about a witch be my guest but I will always be ready to test it
Because if magic is real it should be able to withstand scrutiny and questions
If wishes do come true than you will walk with me to our favorite park
Play in the fountain until we're soaked to the skin
That's where you found me the last time
Hanging to death in old Philadelphia
This time I'll rescue you like I did before
And kiss you when we stand together
Or I will die alone and you will fly away hi
And you'll fall.

A trail of bones

A trail of bones
Leads to your door
I hardly think of you
Like I did before
But once a day
Maybe more you pop in
I knock, I wait for you
To let me in

The Manatee Meets and eatz Mac n Cheese

Hullo Laddies and gennelmun

I am da manattee.

My name is the butt King.
You can find me at buttking21215
Or on godtvinternettelegraph.com
I got me some Mac n cheese.

I been on the YouTube watching individuals in situations and I have a bone to pick with the drunken peasants and tgeir fallatio con master de Amazing Atheist.

There is a full moon tonight

There is a full moon tonight
High and small
Bright and cute
Cheeks and lips
Eyes and nose
Face of love and good times
There is a fool moon tonight
Cold and distant
Daffy and cruel
Steel and Bone
Sunken sockets
Life with out
The love I once saw is gone
all I see is
Is Death

Creepers ch. 2

Buddy! Wake up Bud! Help me! Your mom's -
My eyes snap open. Loud electrical popping like fireworks that won't burn out.
No power. Check phone. Battery at 13%. No wifi. No charge I get up. I smell something rotten. Rush out to the kitchen.

Blood. Everywhere. She's eating him!
In shock I don't know what to do. She turns to look at me. Ribbons of torn flesh and blood dripping from her mouth. That's her but not her. Dad is on the floor. Throat torn out. This has to be a dream.

She's moving toward me. I grab the Flashmop that she was using to clean the floor. She creeps forward. That growling hungry gutteral moist moan. I push he r away before she can bite me. She moves forward again. I poke her again, harder. She falls back. I knock the legs out from under her.  Dad is awake.

His eyes are yellow. His skin turns Brown as his starts to rise. I close my eyes.

That's not them anymore. I don't know what's happening. But whatever they are my parents are now one of... Them.

Love trumps hate

There is rising tension in the Presidential race. On one side the G.O.P. Republican frontrunner Donald Trump. On the other Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton.

Trump is a loud mouth. He has been inciting violence, racism and discrimination. He appeals to the Fox News crowd. He's called Mexican immigrants "rapists, murderers, terrorists". He has advocated the ban of Muslims. He's insulted women and minorities. Protestors attending his rallied have been bullied and kicked out. He tells his people " in the old days these people werent treated so nice, it's time to go back to that." Make America Great Again is his slogan. He wants America to revert to the 50s and 60s.

For the most part I don't really care about politics. The party system and voting system are antiquated and we usually have to choose between dogshit and garbage.

When I was younger I didn't really pay attention. I just followed the party line of my parents which was mostly republican.

Then George W. Bush got elected (some say stole the election but I'm not going to discuss that right now). Then 9/11 happened and we started bomobjng Afghanistan and invaded Iraq. In my apartment in California, I watched on CNN as tanks rolled into Baghdad, soldiers evicted people from their homes looking for WMDs and Saddam Hussein. We were told he was connected to Al Queda. We heard all the rhetoric "we gotta fight them over there to prevent more attacks here." "If you're not with us you're with the enemy." "Stay the course."

W stood on the aircraft carrier in safe sunny San Diego and declared "mission accomplished". Months later troops were still dying, and I started asking questions. Why were we still there? Why were people still being blown up if the war was over?
Where were the WMDs?

The "war on terror" was a time of fear and major changes both in our country and inside of me. I took a stand. I won Neil Young's Living With War from Jim Ladd on 95.5 klos. I listened to Frank Sontag on Sunday nights talking about questioning things, practicing nonviolence, civil disobedience, becoming a peaceful warrior. I listened to Jackson Browne sing "Lives in the Balance" and  "Looking East"

Through Frank Sontag I met "spiritual teachers" Bo Lozoff, Benjamin Creme, and Ghandi. I became a student of meditation, yoga, and my own inner teacher. I walked the path of a mystic fool on the hill. I walked everywhere and lost so much weight.

This is going into a different topic but I'm rolling with it. I may be on to something.

Cut to: now I am back in Maryland. Lost my faith in God, part of the same questioning process. Lost my dream.
But I freed my mind from the chains of religion and spirituality.  I gained a new perspective and I refused to allow another Bush or Republican in the white house.

And I wasn't alone. I saw Obama gaining momentum in his campaign. When he came to Baltimore I stood in the cold and heard him speak about making America great how we are all in this together. He spoke to young people, minorities (who are quickly becoming majority). He talked about hope and change. He made some promises. Some he fulfilled. A lot stilly f them got broken or shoved under mountains of bullshit from both parties.

Now we are coming up on a new election. Bernie Sanders. He is the new voice of the Democratic party. He speaks about  fighting corporate greed, raising minimum wage, making policies to build economy, solutions to dealing with climate change. I'm not naive enough to think he can do all he promises but his policies align with what I think needs to change.

When I vote, I don't necessarily vote for a candidate, I vote on the issues. I voted for marriage equality and it passed it is the law. I voted for Obama. He changed healthcare. It's still a quagmire that needs reform. I have a voice and it is being heard.

There are other voices. Loud, bigoted views which are spewed forth from the mouth of Trump and met with thunderous applause. I have yet to hear Trump offer any solutions other than to bully minorities and appeal to the kind of fear mongering I heard in the Bush administration. If he is elected or any of the other Republicans for that matter we will fall back into that cycle of violence and terror alert levels and us or them rhetoric.

I stand against that kind of tyranny. I stand with Bernie Sanders who believes that we can overcome this fear and hate. He does not swear by any holy book or invisible man but embraces the few positive principles within each religion which are older than religion. I think, if he is elected, he may be the first atheist president. That alone makes him my hero.
Don't let me down, B.

Another year

Another year
Another day
Am I still on the road
Or have I lost my way
Lost in my head
Lost many things
Games dreams lovers friends
Plans schemes pencils pens
Most of the time I just lose me

I don't know how to get myself back
How to get my life on track
I hate these clichés they don't mean a thing
I fucking hate this rhyme scheme
Somebody please give me some hope.
I'm drowning in doubt
Heartbreak
And
See what could have been what should have been what never will be
Now or never
Help
Me

E.E.T. part 3

2C

Now you may be thinking. How does this Louis Tully looking guy have the skills to fight a horde of aliens?

I will explain it all when I get to her and tell her why I have her half of my heart.
Around my neck is a silver chain and a blue medallion in the shape of a heart. Half a heart.  She has the other one. At least I hope she still does.

I pull up the gallery on my phone her face.
Her eyes, green-gold with a touch of fire and water. Around her neck the other half.
The last time we were together. As friends. As soulmates. Until she quit. After I quit Mel's. I didn't give up on her. She gave up on me.
Or did she?

Maybe it's time I told her the truth. The whole truth. Now that the whole world knows.

I drive past empty demolished smoldering apartment buildings. I see hers. The parking lot ablaze with burning cars
The front of her building looks like a giant foot had kicked it in. Broken glass, slabs of rubble, water and sewage pours out of broken pipes.

I drive around to the back of the building. I get out and walk cautiously to the back door to the laundry room which seems undamaged. Looking behind me. No badguys.

I take out my - need a name for this that won't get me sued by Disney- demonsword. It blazes to life.

I cut a hole in the glass. It falls and shatters. Look around. Listen for danger. Nothing.

Enter. The swoard casts a reddish light on everything. I make my way up the stairs to the second floor. Broken light fixtures, some broken steps.

I get halfway up and hear noises
Hissing gurgling. Then I smell them. A sickening acidic bile stench mixed with termites and garbage.  The door across from hers is open.

I slowly move up the steps. The top step creaks. Before I can say her name the E.E.T. rushes out

E.E.T. part 2

Mel's.
Where we closed together many nights. I don't know if she's there or at home. I have to be sure. I take back roads and descend the hill to Mel's. It is a smoking pile of rubble.
 
I see her car. It is also a smoking wreck but I see shapes that could be her body.

In the borrowed car I see a uniform hanging in the back. Nametag reads BLACK. It just occurs to me that this is a cop car. I open the glove box. A pistol. I check the clip. Fully loaded.

Only fired a few guns on some boy scout trip to a shooting range. And various arcade shooting games.

I pull up to her car and slowly get out.
Something is in the front seat. Moving.

"Care-"
It hisses.
It's not her.
Beady red eyes stare at me. Shit.
I raise the gun.
It steps out. A scaly bipedal creature with wide pointy ears, sharp lizard features.
Reptilians. Demons.
"Don't move or I'll"
It is faster than anything I've seen.

The gun is ripped from my hand and I'm knocked to the ground. It stands over me.
Elliot screeches and runs for it. The beast catches him. I grab the gun. Point and Fire.

It spins rushes at me again but I pull the trigger again.
Cold Black blood splashes my face.
It falls over. Something clatters against the pavement.

A curved handle like a-
"No-"
I pick it up
-fucking-"
A crash. More demons emerge from Mel's. My thumb presses a little nob.
"Way" a red glowing fibre extends glows red hot.
They rush toward me. They activate on their own um energy swords.
Parry. Parry block. Slash. One down. Slash. Two down. Ouch. Kicked. Slashed. Fuck. My shoulder. Stab. Three down.

How can I be so good at this. I've been dreaming and practicing for this my whole life.

"Come on Elliot! Elliot?" 
I see the cat at the bottom of the hill where the road to Mel's meets route 321 aka Ramona Blvd
I get back in Officer Black's car.

Drive down, following Elliot across the boulevard, down an alley
How does he know where to go?

Writing Exercise no. 3: Welcome to Earth

Just saw 10 Cloverfield Lane. A Thriller/suspense/ sci Fi film about a girl that wakes up in a bunker rescued and kept safe by a mad man. Reminded me of when I lived with Liam *shudders* John Goodman was great. Also the girl is Ramona Flowers -Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She is awesome in this. I love her.

Writing exercise: alien invasion. How do I find out, where do you go, who do u want to be with. The story is in my head. Right there. Here it comes
                              _   _
                           -° _°_ °-

Carrie.
I snap awake. Where am I?
I'm in my car. Engine off.
Head lifts off the steering wheel. Blood drips from my nose. I grab a wad of napkins and shove it in my nostrils.
Hand grabs phone. Screen is smashed.
Press on button. Lights up for a second.
I can see her last words.

Me: Do you need a ride?
Carrie: No thanks. Rick is going to pick me
Me: up
Carrie: Scott, something wr
Me: what's wrong
Carrie: hel

Her phone dying. I text back.

Carrie: are u OK? I'm coming for you. Stay where you are if you are safe.
Sending... Connection problems

She doesn't want me. She wants him.What if she's hurt or worse? What if theyre waiting for me. It would be safer to hide. Wait it out.

No. I have to check. Something happened. I don't know what exactly. A flash. I see fire in the distance. Bright lights in the sky, blurry shapes fly overhead.  Stay still, quiet. Loud reverberating engines. I watch it swim through the sky. Somehow metallic like a bulldozer, yet organic like a whale. How do they not see me? Don't they have infrared scanners? X-ray? Some tech we haven't discovered?

Aliens. You know the Meme.
I heard something had hit downtown. Town hall and main Street is destroyed
Fires rage.  I saw it all below me. From the overlook where i like to sit and smoke from my C-3PO pipe. I see the winding road into the valley where she lives with her bf. I swear she's in love with my doppelganger.

I try to start my car. Nothing. Engine is smoking. And it's not feeling as good as I am. I didn't know what was going on. I just wanted one last trip into the Twilight Zone and now it is my reality.

Quick inventory. Hoodie slightly torn, 4 cigarettes, half bottle of water, flashlight, lighter, keys, phone- screen now black. I take it and grab my charger and chord. The one that save my life once before.

I get out of the car and run toward the trees next to the road. Down the embankment into the woods taking a side trail I knew by heart. Still I stumble on the jagged rocks along the path.

The alien machine is off in the distance. I  hear gun fire, a helicopter, explosions
Fuck, this must be a dream! Michael Bay is now directing my dreams.

I run-stumble roll down the hill, cross the road several times. Into the valley, I creep past houses. No one. Anywhere. There must have been an evacuation.

Car. I need a car.

Nearest house with a car in the drive. I sneak to the back door. No lights. No sound. Except the real life space invaders going on in the distance.

The sliding glass back door is cracked
I pick up a rock from the driveway and smash the glass.

Inside.
"Hello?"
Silence. Something rubs my leg. I jump.
"Shit! Oh."
Cat. Black cat. I reach out my hands. It hisses for a moment then snuffs, rubs my hand with its head and nose. I look on the collar "Elliot"

"Eliot, this time E.T. is not so nice."
I opened the fridge. Chicken
Take a leg and toss a peice to my new friend. I gather supplies pack them into an empty backpack I found.
Some food, water bottles, first aid kit, keys. "Let's go Elliot. Wait."

I leave a note.
I will return the car if I can.
Eliot runs to the front door. Thanks, Scott Hammond

Outside I get into the car. Eliot sits on the porch mesmerized by the noise and lights.
"Come on, Elliot."

I light a cigarette. A white flash in dark clouds.  A loud boom overhead like thunder. Eliot runs off into the brush.
"Later then."

Raindrops splatter the windshield. I start the car. More raindrops. I plug my phone into the car charger in .
Light vibration. Screen.

Carrie: hurry, I need u
Delivered at 11:38 p.m.
Me: I'm coming. Elliot jumps in the window.
And Elliot is coming with me

I'm scared. I could be vaporized, abducted, probed. But she needs me. Bring it, E.E.T.(evil E.T.).

Job Insecurity

So I may be out of a job on Sunday. Chris and Chris sat me down and told me if I didn't improve they're going to let me go. Seems out of the blue. They're saying I'm not fast enough and sometimes I leave without everything done. Which is bullshit.

They're going to fire me. On my birthday. No they're not. I'm going to work harder. I have been the last two days. But they haven't even been there.

A week ago they said they would start training me on other stations. Which I am very interested in doing. But I need to be trained. I learn by doing. They can't expect me to just know what to do.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose my job at Bonefish. I like working there. When an order comes on my screen I stop whatever I'm doing to get the salads and desserts out.

But often times I am portioning crab meat or stocking my line. They don't say two words to me. If they want me to do more they should ask me. Or maybe I should ask for more to do.

I do need another job to make more money. To save for my future. To move out. But where do I go? California?

I need a car. I need a job out there. I need to save several thousand dollars and just don't have it. I don't save like I should. When I get a lot saved I spend it all on shit.

I'm no better off than I was when i moved here. I am no closer to a dream whatever that is. I'm writing more. I am trying to get back to writing for film or maybe a book. But no where near something marketable or sellable.

I feel the darkness. Depression. The Nazgul closing in again. Tired of fighting them, running from them. I'll make a stand. I'll fight.

Be in the end I'll lose. It's only a matter of time.

Writing Exercise no. 2: St. Elmos Fire meaning of life

St. Elmo's Fire. I guess I'm going with the 80's brat pack theme. This time "the writer" aka me is Kevin played by Andy McCarthy. He's in love with Ally Sheedy and tells her. They make love but she doesn't love him back. Andy McCarthy is My favorite of the brat pack guys. In the movie he writes for a newspaper. He writes an article on the meaning of life. Now  I am going to write my peice on the meaning of life.

Something I've attempted on several occasions. Also he smokes a lot and now I need one.

What is the meaning of life?
To answer such a broad question where does one start? You can try some life is x statements. Life is sex. Life is fire. Life is a miracle. Life is life. Love is life.

Does life have any meaning?
Life in general or my specific life?
Why are we here? Why am I here?

Maybe life is just St. Elmo's Fire.
St. Elmo's Fire as described by Rob Lowe are flashes of light in the night sky. Sailors used to see them on long voyages. They'd see a bright flash of something and go after it even if it kills them in the process.

But it's an illusion. A mirage created not by some natural force of nature but by one's brain. It's a dream. A fantasy.

All my life I've been looking for the "one". I see someone a friend. A girl who fascinates me challenges me introduces me to some magic or makes me see something feel something I've never felt before.

I fall in love and create a fantasy version of the one I love in my head. I talk to her, I take her on the perfect date, I fight all her evil exes and the bullies that pick on her.
Then I see her in real life and we share a moment. I feel all this love and desire. I do everything I can to  make the real one match my dream girl.
And it never works.

Emilio sees a girl he has been in love with that barely remembers him but he wants her. He stalks her, obssesses over her, threatens people just to get a glimpse of her. He drives all the way to some cabin in the woods just to be stuck in the snow as a third wheel.

They talk for a moment and he kisses her in a grand flourish. For a moment he has won her heart. But she lets him go. I never had the nerve to just do that. It's too late now. Cassie, Adriana, Ally, Chris all never knew never understood how I feel. All are married or living their own lives.

I went to Taco Bell. She was there. My Cassie. His Cassie. She didn't say anything. I sat there listening waiting for some acknowledgement. Nothing

I don't even feel that love anymore. It's a ghost now. I'm a ghost, an apparition, a spirit.  I haunt her. She haunts me.

I'm still alive but dead to the people I love the most. They may want me back but I am not the me I used to be. And neither are they.

There is no meaning of life. This life. This breath. These blackened lungs, these nearsighted blue eyes, this sluggish heart is all I am all I know of life. But there is no meaning of life. No nugget of wisdom to sum it up. 99% of all people ever are already dead. Soon I will join them. But not yet.

Atheism and depression

I want to make something clear. I am an atheist. I don't believe in God. That's all that means. No belief in any gods.

I've only been an atheist for about 8 years or more. There's no single moment where I was like Aha I don't believe in God eureka! It was a long, process of many years becoming an athiest was just what's left after throwing out things I no longer believe.

For many years I have struggled with depression. I'm not depressed because I'm an atheist. I am an atheist AND i struggle with depression. I'm not going to say it's not connected but they are mutually exclusive. There are theists who struggle with mental illness much worse than mine. There are atheists who live full healthy lives free of depression and other mental issues.

There's no one cause for depression. And there's no single reason why I'm an atheist. They are both complicated issues with nuance and ongoing struggles.

There is a correlation but it's not causation. The correlation is that when I feel like I've lost everything, when I feel like the world had turned it's back on me or that I had a chance to experience something great I fucked it up somehow and now it's lost.

When all seems lost I lie in bed or on the floor or I disappear to a cold dark Beach or someplace where I feel at home even though don't feel good.

In the deepest darkest hour. When light seems to be so far away. When nothing seems to pick me up and give me strength to keep fighting I have to wonder. I have to ask.

If there is a God, why doesn't he do anything to help me? If he has how do I know it was God and not just in my head. It's not for lack of seeking, it is not that I don't want him to find me. I'm not even angry at God. I don't believe in God.

I just don't see how people can believe in something that can't take one second to show me that he's real and that he can help me. I'm waiting.

All i want

All I want all I ever wanted was someone to love
Someone to love me for who I am
Everytime I think I found someone
Everytime I see my chance
I reach out and it's taken from me
Or I get a taste and it is poison

I search for the Being that everyone around me sees and knows
I seek, I ask, I knock, I am here
You know me, here I am
What have I done?
What have I done to deserve a life of loneliness and pain?
I never want to hurt anyone.
I never wanted to do anything but be me

I dream I write I try to find what it is I'm supposed to do
Everytime I think I know what to do something stops me
Sometimes it's something beyond my control
But really it's just me
I'm my own worst enemy and everyone knows it
They see it but they don't know what to do with it
So they send me away
I'm no longer their problem

Maybe if. I told my self lies maybe if I convince myself that magic is real that God is real
that there's some divine plan and I'm part of it I don't know what that is
I thought maybe if I was a part of someone else's life I would find it
But there is no one
No one wants me
If they ever did they don't want the darkest part of me
They don't know how deep this poison flows
They don't know that even if I'm happy for one moment
The next moment I will be in the pit of shit.
I will tell it.
I will tell it all.
Here in this blog.

It's just a box of rain I don't know who put it there. Believe it if you need it or leave it if you dare - the greatful dead

Fuck you you don't care. You just want to forget the pain that I remind you of.

Soon I will be dead and no one's going to understand.

I know why Robin Williams killed himself. I get it. The only reason I haven't done it. The only reason I am still here is that I'm afraid I'll fuck that up to and this shit will start all over again. 

I'm truly lost.

If that's true

First Day of March: feeling lucky

March arrives with sunny skies
February made me shiver with the last throes of a dying love and lies

Frankly my dear I don't give a damn
About lions or lambs I just want you to know who I am and what I want to do

Another year older in less than two weeks
Pain gives way to inspiration the Muse feeds on heartbreak and life

Something new is about to happen I feel it in my bones a new face a new place to call home I'm tired of sleeping alone

Come with me if you want to live a life full of groovy dinners and great adventures
Rescue me from lonely indenture

Conflict may arise but I am prepared to face the future with sharp teeth bared
Feed the wolf that dared to be shared

Or the one who wants to know your hopes and dreams, the one who cuts your ropes and offers his hand to hold and kiss

I don't know where this goes

I don't know where this goes from here but I have to write this down. At the end of this mess of broken hopes and dreams I seek out companionship in my friend.

Now there's someone knew. For some reason she's dating him. Something happened but I don't want to say it. I don't have the strength to start a new fucking delusional campaign.

I can't do this here. Too many eyes. My mind is spinning. This is so wrong. And yet so right. The three of us ate sushi, drank and spent the night. Me alone and those two together. In a room shared by another scorned ex.

Something isn't right about this. I hate this whole thing. I already see me falling again. I don't even know her. I have no idea who she is. But I swear on the droid on which I write, we will be friends and he will fuck her until he gets bored or she sees what he is

Then she will be mine. Or she will break my heart. And this fucking shit with start over again. It's tearing me apart. As soon as one door closes some other thing begins. I'm just tired of losing before I start. I always thought true love always wins. Or that at least I'd have somebody even if she isn't "the one".

All I want is one chance. One love. Before my dick shrivels and my sperm dries up and I fall into the final pit of dispair. If this doesn't work I'll fly to California and die alone on a cold dark Beach.

You Gave Up On Me

There are so many songs so many ways
To say how I feel but none of it is real
So many sleepless nights and rainy days
How long it took to reveal how I feel

I'm so tired of the constant pain of love
Only to be denied the sweet taste of bliss
I wish and pray that some power above
Could show me mercy grant me a kiss

From the one I think of wherever I go
Or somebody knew that I never thought of
All it takes is a smile and wave to show
You care, now all I get is push and shove

Now the grieving process is over, I hope
This is the last time I will think of what we
Could be, I won't die at the end of a rope
I didn't give up on you, you gave up on me

Writing Exercise no.1: hey hey hey Hey!

Breakfast Club Challenge. You're in detention for whatever reason. Mr. Vernon assigns a short essay. In 100 words or more. write Who you think you are. Who are you? What would you write? 

Dear Mr. Vernon,

I am not a bad person. So far I've had a pretty good life. I've made some mistakes but I have achieved a few long term goals. I'm not a straight A student but I excell at the arts and humanities. I am writer. I am an artist but I don't draw as much as I used to becuase the world has shown me that money is more important than dreams. I am a dreamer and a mystic forever searching for something deeper, something magical. I don't believe in magic but love stories about magic as a metaphor for power and desire to change the world, to make a stand for what is right. My only real goal is to live in the moment, not stuck in the past, not always looking to the future but focusing on the here and now.

People claim that there is a spiritual force in the universe that some call god. I am an atheist because I don't see evidence that a god exists or manifests in reality. My mind is free of that type of thinking. I don't fear eternal punishment for any thing I may have done. And I don't do things with the intention that there is an eternity in some heaven. An eternity of anything is not paradise, and an eternity in a place of torment and despair is just sadistic and a concept created to control the minds of ignorant people.

I love fantasy. I love books and movies and animation. I love scifi and fairy tales. They have their place for archetype,  moral lessons, and escape from the struggles of this world is never bad. I believe we would have less war, poverty and injustice if people spent more time imagining a better world than creating horrors in the real world.

There are teachings in all most Bibles of the world as well as in stories and legends. 1. Beware of materialism and greed. 2. Take time everyday to meditate. Sit. Be still. Quiet your mind. Breathe. There is nothing "spiritual or supernatural" going on. There is just this moment. Here. Now. 3. Service to others and practice kindness, compassion and uphold some core virtues.  1- Honesty - always try to tell the truth, there times when lies and deception maybe be necessary for survival and defense but lying in general causes mistrust and harm, and as Jon Stewart once said, If you smell bullshit, say something.  2- kindness - treat others as you wish to be treated. That principle is older than the Gospels. If you harm someone chances are they will harm you back or pass it on to someone else. If someone tries to harm you you have a right to fight back or run or find help. 3- sense of humor- when you feel hurt, scared or depressed find away to laugh at your pain, or life is  bad joke but if you can keep laughing in the face of anger and hate you will be stronger than any wizard. 4- Sense of Wonder- Take some time to enjoy this world because we only have a short time on this planet. Drive out to the beach and listen to your favorite songs. Eat your favorite foods, go to parties with friends and family. Spend some time in nature without your devices and apps. Just be in that moment. Breathe in the air. Smoke some weed if you can get some legally (or otherwise). Relax. Enjoy life. Take some photos. Draw, write, play, color, go to movies, plays, art galleries, museums, national parks,  tell jokes, follow your bliss. 

5. Question Everything.  In questioning things religion, politics, beliefs, rules, standards, traditions, your own observations of the world. You may find that you need to change something or that there a flaws and imperfections and dangers in this world that can be prevented by asking questions. And have the courage to seek the answers. There's nothing wrong with saying "I don't know". There is something wrong with just making up an answer even if it is false and misleading people to the point of oppressing and silencing outside information and questions that still need answering.

I believe I am the lead character in my own story. One hundred words or a thousand will not capture who I am. But I can tell you that I am a hero who has been through the Dark Night of the soul and emerged victorious. Sometimes Darkness Strikes back but we must always be ready becuase there is good in this world and it's worth fighting for(samwise gamgee). And I want to live in the world and stand for what and who I am.

Yours truly,

Brett L. Harry

Fuck it I'm going back to California

I've come to a decision
I'm going back to California. I don't know when or how. But I am. I  going to make a plan, set a date and go. And I'm going to write again. I have a few ideas and a lot of pain I can use. That's all for now.
.

Logan's Circle

Flames leap in the night. Cold rain falls. Lightning flashes. Thunder crashes as if two slabs of metal slam together.

A crowd of about thirty people surround a square in a colonial city. In the center like the spoke of a wheel a large timber stake, firewood piled high.

Chained to the stake is an woman with gray-streaked black hair and ragged dark roughly sewn gown.  She cries, begs for her life.

The leader of the gathering is a priest in black with a tall black hat. Arms raised, Bible in hand.

Flames from the wood reach the woman's feet. She screams and cries in pain.

For a moment she looks out at one young man in the crowd. Her dark eyes glitter with pain and regret.

"Help me. Make it stop! Logan!!"

--------
Logan's House
Now.
"Logan! Wake up Logan! We gotta get moving. Want to beat the traffic. Let's go college boy! Rise and shine!"
Logan wakes up. Reaches out to an open Bible on the night stand and closes it.
Logan "That's funny. How did-"
"Come on! Let's move it!"
Logan "Okay I'm coming!
Logan quickly packs the Bible, his sketch pad, and a CD case into a book bag.

Logan wears shorts, a Star Wars T-shirt, black Converse chucks and glasses.

PHILADELPHIA - day

Broad Street. Busy street lined by theaters, office buildings and hotels. The historic City Hall clocktower with William Penn on top in the distance.

Logan stands on the steps of a large building with Roman style columns and long marble steps. A large red door at the top.

Teens sit on the steps saying goodbye to parents. Some gawking at the city buildings.

Logan stands at the bottom  of the step s with his parents. His dad an older Balder version of him, his mom a short kind woman hugs him.

Dad "Well this is your first step to a new life. You're all moved in. Hope you like your roommates."
Mom. "Make some friends. Get involved. Call us when you need to come home to visit."
A teen walks by in black leather with a brightly colored Mohawk.
"Be safe."
Logan. "I will."

Logan sits on the steps taking in the sites. Watching people and cars walk by.
"Mister Bartokomos"
Logan looks up. A tall dark haired guy stands behind him.
Logan gets up.
"Mike!"

Atheism an acronym

A loving God would not torture people for              ever. Not for any reason.

The Bible endorses slavery, rape, genocide, homophobia, and bigotry.

Heaven and Hell are lies created to mask the fear of death and keep one from asking questions or encouraging thought.

Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence.

If I told you I have a pet lizard which at one point I did, you wouldn't be that shocked and very likely to believe me. If I told you I have a pet dragon in my basement which only I can see. And that if you do not believe I have a dragon you will be burned alive and eaten. Would you believe me? Would you take such a claim lightly? Would you recommend a psych evaluation or would you expect some evidence to prove it exists?

Science

The atrocities committed, endorsed and/or covered up by theists- . The Crusades, The Inquisition, The Witch trials, Manifest Destiny, Slavery, The Holy Wars, The Holocaust, 9/11, the Iraq Invasion. The hinderance of science, reproductive rights, civil rights, marriage equality, gender equality, and so on.

Movies of 2015

1. Star Wars: The Force Awakens
2. The Martian
3. Creed
4. The End of the Tour
5. Inside Out
6. Ant-Man
7. Avengers: Age of Ultron
8. Spectre OO7
9. Bridge of Spies
10. Age of Adaline